Almost facebooked...

I'm struggling. Tried several times over the last week to explain depression and what its doing to me. Can't find the words to fit in this box. Still can't. How can you be having a good day, experiencing good things, yet still feel like a walking black hole, empty inside? How can you imagine, that you are trapped inside your head, watching yourself go about your daily duties, screaming because no one can see that its not really you, if you've never experienced it for yourself? How can you KNOW with complete sincerity that you would NEVER kill yourself, yet think about it CONSTANTLY? I can't eat, so I eat whatever I can grab without making an effort. I can't exercise, because I can't feel it, and it doesn't give me an endorphin rush of pleasure, so what's the point? I feel NOTHING. I didn't even go to work today. I'm lucky, in that my obligation to my children still forces me out of bed every morning I wake up feeling this way. The days I can't are rare. My point to writing all this on this wall is that for 6 months, since beginning Michelle's program, I HAVEN'T felt this way. A few anxiety attacks, but this is a different level. I thought I was "healed."

It's hard to dance, with a devil on your back

Confession time. OK today, I did no exercise. Yesterday, I did my fitness test and was pleased with my result, although I did cheat and did the run on the treadmill for sheer convenience sake. I went to the gym 4 times this week and worked hard every time, although I know I didn't hit 500 cals once due to time constraints. This is all good. I do what I can.

Why the confession?

My diet has been mediocre all week, and downright up to shit since yesterday. I am extremely depressed, all the "cheer up" thoughts in the world cannot drag me out of this hole. I haven't felt like this since September last year, I've had a few anxiety attacks, but nothing like this. Yesterday felt great, today the world is an uphill climb and I just don't want to do it anymore. I've had a great day, there's no reason for me to feel this way.

Depression isn't about feeling down or having a bad day, its a serious illness for which there is no cure. For me, good health and exercise have become my knight in shining armor. I thought this was "fixing" me. No one who saw me today realised anything was wrong other than my saying I'm a bit tired. I've laughed with friends, I've played silly games with my kids, I've watched a video of my daughter doing a beautiful expressive lyrical dance posted to facebook a few hours ago, yet I feel dead inside. It's like I'm sitting in a corner of my brain watching as someone else controls my actions, walks me through my day doing what I have to so that no one can see the truth.

I have to admit, in hindsight, there were warning signs. I've been extremely agitated all week. Easily frustrated, struggling to keep a polite face on at work, I've been eating chocolate all week too, I learned a LONG time ago that chocolate is NOT a stimulant for me. I've felt tired, I've been upset about my ankle pain, and I've felt a strong desire for someone to reach out to me, without my having to ask. All the while knowing that if they did reach out I'd say I was fine anyway, always too afraid to show need.

I am usually very good at spotting the early warning red flags. Totally missed them this time due to feeling so GOOD about myself for a change.

The best thing Michelle Bridges has given me, was a feeling that I was in control. That the fight with the demon in my head was a battle I was no longer constantly losing.That I CAN change myself and feel good, and I've gradually let myself think I was going to be OK from now on.

What do I do if nothing changes? What if I'm not winning, its just been a longer hiatus than normal? How do I go on knowing that I will NEVER shake this off? (Colloquialism, I know its not that simple!) That at any time I can fall down a hole I didn't see coming because I felt good about myself?

This HAS to be working. It's the only thing that makes SENSE.