Confession time. OK today, I did no exercise. Yesterday, I did my fitness test and was pleased with my result, although I did cheat and did the run on the treadmill for sheer convenience sake. I went to the gym 4 times this week and worked hard every time, although I know I didn't hit 500 cals once due to time constraints. This is all good. I do what I can.
Why the confession?
My diet has been mediocre all week, and downright up to shit since yesterday. I am extremely depressed, all the "cheer up" thoughts in the world cannot drag me out of this hole. I haven't felt like this since September last year, I've had a few anxiety attacks, but nothing like this. Yesterday felt great, today the world is an uphill climb and I just don't want to do it anymore. I've had a great day, there's no reason for me to feel this way.
Depression isn't about feeling down or having a bad day, its a serious illness for which there is no cure. For me, good health and exercise have become my knight in shining armor. I thought this was "fixing" me. No one who saw me today realised anything was wrong other than my saying I'm a bit tired. I've laughed with friends, I've played silly games with my kids, I've watched a video of my daughter doing a beautiful expressive lyrical dance posted to facebook a few hours ago, yet I feel dead inside. It's like I'm sitting in a corner of my brain watching as someone else controls my actions, walks me through my day doing what I have to so that no one can see the truth.
I have to admit, in hindsight, there were warning signs. I've been extremely agitated all week. Easily frustrated, struggling to keep a polite face on at work, I've been eating chocolate all week too, I learned a LONG time ago that chocolate is NOT a stimulant for me. I've felt tired, I've been upset about my ankle pain, and I've felt a strong desire for someone to reach out to me, without my having to ask. All the while knowing that if they did reach out I'd say I was fine anyway, always too afraid to show need.
I am usually very good at spotting the early warning red flags. Totally missed them this time due to feeling so GOOD about myself for a change.
The best thing Michelle Bridges has given me, was a feeling that I was in control. That the fight with the demon in my head was a battle I was no longer constantly losing.That I CAN change myself and feel good, and I've gradually let myself think I was going to be OK from now on.
What do I do if nothing changes? What if I'm not winning, its just been a longer hiatus than normal? How do I go on knowing that I will NEVER shake this off? (Colloquialism, I know its not that simple!) That at any time I can fall down a hole I didn't see coming because I felt good about myself?
This HAS to be working. It's the only thing that makes SENSE.
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