Almost facebooked...

I'm struggling. Tried several times over the last week to explain depression and what its doing to me. Can't find the words to fit in this box. Still can't. How can you be having a good day, experiencing good things, yet still feel like a walking black hole, empty inside? How can you imagine, that you are trapped inside your head, watching yourself go about your daily duties, screaming because no one can see that its not really you, if you've never experienced it for yourself? How can you KNOW with complete sincerity that you would NEVER kill yourself, yet think about it CONSTANTLY? I can't eat, so I eat whatever I can grab without making an effort. I can't exercise, because I can't feel it, and it doesn't give me an endorphin rush of pleasure, so what's the point? I feel NOTHING. I didn't even go to work today. I'm lucky, in that my obligation to my children still forces me out of bed every morning I wake up feeling this way. The days I can't are rare. My point to writing all this on this wall is that for 6 months, since beginning Michelle's program, I HAVEN'T felt this way. A few anxiety attacks, but this is a different level. I thought I was "healed."